How to Get Your Teen Onboard with Listening Therapies

A Nervous System, Attachment, and Developmental Perspective

As parents, we want to do so much to support our teens.

We sign them up for activities, try to keep family rituals alive, encourage healthy routines, and walk alongside them as they navigate a world that feels increasingly demanding - both emotionally and physically. And for many of us, this also includes encouraging our teens to say an enthusiastic “Yes!” to listening therapies like the Safe and Sound Protocol (SSP). 😊

Wouldn’t it be perfect if it were that simple?

Most parents quickly discover that it isn’t.

We may know - deep in our bones - that something like SSP could support our teen’s nervous system, emotional regulation, or relational capacity. We may see their struggles more clearly than they do. And yet, when they resist, dismiss, or flat-out refuse, it can feel like hitting a wall.

At times, that resistance doesn’t just feel frustrating - it can feel like a personal failure.

I want to pause here and say: I get it. Truly. And if you think I’m writing this from a place of having figured it all out, you’re in for a surprise. 😊 I have a teen with whom I’ve been doing SSP for almost two years - intermittently. It has been difficult. And yes, of course it will be… they are teens.

In this blog, I want to slow things down and explore a teen’s refusal or disinterest in listening therapies through polyvagal theory, attachment science, and adolescent developmental understanding. My intention is not to offer quick fixes or persuasion strategies, but to invite curiosity—about what might be happening inside our teens, and inside us, when we reach this dead end.

Because every teen is unique, and yet many are navigating remarkably similar nervous system and developmental landscapes.

Parenting Teens: An Attachment Lens First

Before we go any further, I want to ground us in an essential reminder:

“Parenting is, above all, a relationship—and relationships don’t lend themselves to strategies.” - Dr. Gordon Neufeld & Dr. Gabor Maté, Hold On to Your Kids

This single line has profound implications for how we approach any intervention with adolescents - including listening therapies.

When teens sense that our primary agenda is to get them to do something, even something supportive, their nervous system often hears pressure, not care. And pressure, especially during adolescence, can activate counter-will, resistance, or shutdown.

So before we ask, “How do I get my teen onboard?” It may be more helpful to ask, “What does my teen’s nervous system need to feel safe enough to even consider this?”

What’s Happening Developmentally for Teens?

Adolescence is not just a behavioral phase - it is a full-scale neurological and relational reorganization.

From a developmental perspective (drawing from Dr. Daniel Siegel’s work), teens are experiencing:

• heightened emotional intensity

• increased sensitivity to social cues and perceived judgment

• a growing need for autonomy and self-definition

• ongoing development of impulse control and emotional regulation

Their brains are remodeling. Emotional and reward centers are highly activated, while regulatory systems are still under construction. This means teens often feel deeply but don’t yet have consistent access to regulation or perspective.

From the outside, this can look like:

• “overreacting”

• inconsistency

• resistance to adult guidance

• strong opinions and quick shutdown

From the inside, it often feels like:

• being overwhelmed

• misunderstood

• pressured

• unsure of how to articulate what’s happening

When we introduce listening therapies without acknowledging this developmental context, teens may experience it not as support—but as yet another reminder that something is “wrong” with them.

A Nervous System Lens - Why Resistance Makes Sense

From a polyvagal perspective, resistance is rarely about defiance. It’s about safety.

Teens are particularly sensitive to:

• tone

• facial expression

• body language

• implied expectations

They may not consciously understand SSP, but their nervous system is constantly asking:

• Am I being judged?

• Am I being fixed?

• Am I safe to say no?

If the answer to any of these feels uncertain, the nervous system may move into:

• fight (arguing, dismissing, sarcasm, defiance)

• flight (avoidance, procrastination)

• shutdown (“I don’t care,” “I can’t”, withdrawal, silence)

When we look at it this way, refusal is not failure - it’s information.

Doing the Groundwork before You Introduce SSP

If you’re exploring SSP or other listening therapies for your teen or young adult, some groundwork can make a significant difference.

1. Clarify Your Intention

Ask yourself:

• Why do I want my teen to do this?

• How  am I hoping it will support them?

• Am I responding to fear, urgency, or comparison?

Practice what you want to say without labelling, blaming, or shaming. Teens are incredibly perceptive. They often sense our worry long before we speak it.

Using a nervous system language - rather than a diagnostic or problem-focused one - can help shift the focus away from them and toward what their nervous system has been navigating.

Gentle. Clear. Steady.

2. How You Present It Matters More Than You Think

Consider not just what you’re offering, but how.

Ask yourself:

• Am I leading with curiosity or urgency?

• Am I acknowledging their experience?

• Do I sound open - or invested in a specific outcome?

Some teens respond well to understanding how listening therapies might support:

• emotional ease

• sleep

• focus

• future relationships

Others may need a more tangible motivator.

While I hold strong beliefs about intrinsic motivation and attachment-based influence, I also recognize that sometimes a thoughtfully chosen reward - something the teen truly desires and that we genuinely can offer - can help open the door. Not as a bribe, but as a bridge.

Especially when the potential benefit could be genuinely life-altering.

3. Accept Their Response - and Keep the Door Open

This may be the hardest part.

Your teen may say no. They may shrug. They may say, “Later,” or “I’ll think about it,” or nothing at all.

Acceptance does not mean giving up. It means respecting their nervous system state in that moment.

Let them know the conversation can return another day. Safety grows when teens feel they are not being cornered or coerced. Often, it’s the absence of pressure that allows curiosity to emerge over time.

When Circumstances make it complex

There are many creative ways to support SSP when teens are living at home. But many adolescents are also stepping out into the world—college, residential schools, living away from family.

This can make consistency harder.

I want you to know: this is never a one-time job. Supporting a teen’s nervous system is not about checking a box. It’s an ongoing, relational process that unfolds over time.

Why developing Mindsight Is Essential

Perhaps the most important piece of this journey is developing mindsight - the capacity to understand both your own inner experience and your teen’s.

A silence. A nod. An “I’ll do it.” A “No.”

Each of these can mean many things.

Look at the body.

• Is there openness or bracing?

• Engagement or withdrawal?

• Readiness or collapse into “I can’t”?

When we begin to read these cues, we stop personalizing resistance and start responding with greater attunement.

Supporting teens with listening therapies is not about compliance. It’s about relationship, safety, and timing.

Often, the most powerful thing we can offer is not persuasion - but presence. Not urgency - but trust. Not control - but leadership rooted in calm connection.

And sometimes, the answer isn’t yes - yet.

That doesn’t mean the door is closed. It means the nervous system is still finding its way. 😊

Sending much love your way.

Jaspreet

Parent Coach, Polyvagal Informed Practitioner, SSP & RRP provider for Kids and Adults

Child Safety Trainer

support@themindfulfamily.in